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Quest For Survival

We can re-victimize ourselves in many ways.

by Harold Glen Hull on 09/19/17

We need to be aware that as survivors of child abuse we can re-victimize ourselves in many ways. Staying around our abuser(s), their supporters or placing ourselves into situations that keep us triggered by someone else's actions. We can also be re- victimized by being in situations that are not good for us as survivors.

When I came out of the Briscoe's Home for Boys I was placed in an uncle's home. He was my mother's oldest brother and they hated one another which put me in a bad situation with the family. This man was a womanizer, bully, adulterous and an alcoholic that forced his will on everyone. Being in his violent home kept me on an emotional roller coaster. His emotional and verbal abuse put me into an abusive situation again.

Once I entered the military I decided that I wanted to find my sperm donor. I wanted to face the man that was my sperm donor. I found him hiding out under a different name in another state. His own family had not seen or heard from him in years. I had so many questions which he never would answer for me. His only response was, "That was so long ago and I have my other family now!" I attempted to have a relationship with this person because I wanted a parent. In the end there never was to be any type of relationship between us. He stopped all communications and moved to another state. He passed away and I never got to ask him "why" did he abandoned me. Leaving me with a monster who loved beating and abusing me.

When I retired from the military I heard that my mentally handicapped brother was in a Nursing Home close to where I lived and I went to see him. I had not seen or talked to my mother since I was a child. I had to have her permission to see or visit him. I had to interact with my mother for several years in order to get to know my mentally handicapped brother. I relived the memories of all of her abuse again.

I have attempted to have relationships with other family members over the years. In almost every situation I was the one trying to establish and maintain relationships. Weeks and months would go by where I would not even talk to them. My drive to be a part of a family unit drove me to allow my emotions to be triggered.

Our own children and grandchildren whom we loved and nurtured can distance themselves from us. Many of us survivors did the best that could in raising our children while fighting our own private hell in our minds.

My point is that I kept putting myself into situations where I was re-victimizing myself. In my desire to please everyone else I put my own health at risk. There are situations and a time where we as survivors must severe the ties between anyone who does not have our needs as a priority in a relationship. There comes a time that being alone, secure and happy must be our priority as survivors.

Harold Glen Hull
CSM, USA (Ret)

Incest Survivors United Voices of America